Invasion of the Body Snatchers

Do you remember several years ago, the story circulating in the tabloids about someone whose kidneys were stolen while they were passed out? I had always thought that was only an urban legend, but then suddenly something eerily similar happened to me. That’s why I’m writing this. You, too, may become a victim of The Body Snatchers!

My legs were stolen from me one February night shortly after my 75th birthday. It was quick and without warning. I went to sleep with my regular legs and woke up with somebody else’s. The new ones were lumpy and ugly. I hated them. They had large veins showing and were prone to cramp at night. Who, I wondered, would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been perfectly okay for years?
I spent most of that summer looking for them, mainly on the golf course where there were lots of legs exposed. No luck. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to playing golf in long pants, risking ridicule and suspicion.
Then, just when my guard was down, they struck again. This time it was my rear end, the replacement was bigger than before. I knew it was the same perpetrators because they matched the new one (although a couple of inches lower than the original) with the legs they had left me earlier. Now, my posterior complemented my legs lump for lump. I knew that all my long pants would now have to be altered to accommodate my unwanted butt.

It was just a year ago that I realized my arms had been switched. One morning while shaving, I watched with surprise and horror as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of my razor. This was really getting frightening. My body was being replaced, slowly but surely, one part at a time. Now in deep despair, I went to long-sleeved shirts. If you ever want to arouse curiosity in your golf group, just show up some day in mid-July in long-sleeved shirt and long pants.

What could they do to me next, I wondered? I wasn’t sleeping well at all. My wife suggested the changes were simply a result of the aging process. I didn’t think so. Age, I said, was supposed to creep up unnoticed and intangible—something like maturity. No, I was being attacked by body-part thieves repeatedly without warning. That’s why I decided to share my story.

I don’t know who The Body Snatchers are, but I know what their motive is: profit! I believe they are stealing body parts in the dead of night, and selling them to anyone who can afford an up-grade. The next time you see someone you know whose appearance has improved, check it out. Face un-lined? Waist smaller? Butt not sagging? Anything look familiar to you?

And, miraculously, I think I finally may have found my legs. They were attached to a stranger. I just hope that the new guy I saw on the golf course the other day had to (no pun intended) pay through the nose for those handsome limbs that for so many years were attached to me.

GolfNews Magazine proudly welcomes Hugh Neeld as its newest regular columnist. Born in Fort Worth, Texas, Hugh attended TCU. For nearly 50 years, he professionally worked in all facets of radio—announcer, sales rep, manager, owner/operator—and was the sales manager for KLTV in Tyler, TX. He wrote a weekly humor column for the Jacksonville Daily Progress from 2000 to 2005. He’s the author of the book THE CURMDGEON REPORT available through Publish America. He’s retired (not really, he’s writing wonderful prose in GolfNews Magazine), lives on a country club golf course in Jacksonville, TX with wife, Cris, and two Aussie Shepherds.